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Sharing a weird problem in case someone else out there ... - alyburns' (aka sideburns & alyjude) Hiding Place
If you spoke faster than David Hewlett you’d travel back in time: Michael Shanks
Sharing a weird problem in case someone else out there ...
Yeah, I know I haven't posted in a long time. *looks around at the changes to LJ and pouts* Anyway, there's something weird going on with me, fandom-wise, and I'm wondering if other authors and/or artists have - or are - experiencing something similar.

First off, I should say simply: I can't write anymore. Period. My muse didn't just take off for awhile, to Tahiti or anywhere else. Nope, it died. Had a funeral and forgot to invite me. I think it officially began to die back in...'06. But its exact TOD? *shrugs* And yes, a person knows whether their muse is simply on vacation - or dead. I understood awhile back when opening some of my WIP's in order to try - again - to finish them. I was unable to even write a sentence. There was nothing, nada, zip, zero. Hell, I couldn't even remember what I'd planned for the stories, let alone what words were supposed to come next. If your muse up and died on you, did you figure out why? And no, that's not my weird problem but it would be help to know. I did finally figure out why mine died.

When I started writing, it was not only a creative need or outlet, fueled by this terrific show called The Sentinel, but it also proved an easy and fun form of escapism. Not from a terrible life or anything, just the normal 'get away from it all' for awhile. I could go into my room - and later, with a real computer, stay in the living room with mom - and, for awhile, escape into the world of Jim and Blair (later, Jack and Daniel and later still, John and Rodney) that existed in my imagination.

We know life is full of changes, right? And we try to be ready for them, adjust accordingly...as best we can, anyway, and mine was no different, but in 2004, well, I went through far too many changes that eventually left me as someone...else. Kind of. Then, a few years ago, I lost my "Jake" muse when a loved one; a cherished loved one, put up a wall between us, for reasons I still don't understand completely. With that...well, I could no longer write anything related to the "Jake Universe". It was that 'event' that led me to finally understand why my muse died. Life had become, well, too real and all to inescapable.

Now, don't misunderstand, this isn't a pity party, and having my muses die, isn't the 'weird problem'. The problem is...with their death, I can no longer watch TS, SG1 or SGA. And that's what I want to know from other fandom authors and artists.

See, watching episodes always included my imagination playing in the background. I watched, as did some of you, through 'slash-colored' glasses, and thus, stories were born; born from what was missing in each episode and built on what we were given. A few weeks ago, in a last ditch effort to fool myself into believing my muses were just on vacation, I decided to go on a TS binge, followed by an SGA binge - but I never made it past the first episode of TS. It was so painful, I had to turn it off. Same with SGA. There was absolutely no imagination playing in the background, no voice priming the writing pump with scenes to jump-start a new story. There was nothing. Not even enjoyment. :(

I think the last time I watched The Sentinel, prior to my planned 'binge', was with a couple of good fandom friends *waves at caarianna and magician_113 (aka, Marilyn and Regina, respectively *G*). We had a spirited discussion afterward (I was my usual pushy self), but while watching the show, I'd been uncomfortable. At the time, I had no idea why but remember chalking it up to my brain having turned into a quivering mass of frightened Jello in the last several years! LOL! But of course, now I know.

So. Cutting to the chase: Authors...and artists! Has this happened to you? Not being able to watch a show after losing your muse?


58 comments or Leave a comment
knitty_woman From: knitty_woman Date: July 16th, 2014 04:39 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, Aly. I've had similar experiences about series that I used to adore and now can't bear to watch (Buffy, West Wing). In fact, I STILL haven't watched all of TS, despite having my very own set thanks to starwatcher. (and I really wasn't that enamored of the actual show anyway.) I would imagine that if you both adored something and found it a springboard to creativity, losing interest would certainly be enough to kill one's artistic impulses.

One of the amazing things about TS is how many people managed to remain connected to the fiction for such a long time. Of course, there are many journals and fics that just stop cold, and the authors have either moved onto other fandoms or just moved on. But as you know, I read in the House fandom, which hasn't been around as long as TS, and already I can see numerous waves of writers who have moved on, with people losing interest well before the series' end. And many have talked about how they can't bear to watch the show anymore.

I'm sorry there won't be any more Jake stories, but that's selfish on my part. You shared your gifts with us while you were moved to do so, and now you are, perhaps, finding other things that energize you.
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:04 am (UTC) (Link)

Oh, I still love all my shows

and the characters...just can't watch them because I can't fix them! LOL! We were lucky with TS - it ended before they could ruin it. SGA almost escaped being ruined, but if I could write, well, there were easy fixes. SG1? No. That show...it went 10 years, with only 4 of them fitting what I call "pure SG1" and thus worth stories. That show underwent so many changes, by the time it ended, it bore no resemblance to my beloved SG1.

if you both adored something and found it a springboard to creativity, losing interest would certainly be enough to kill one's artistic impulses

Unfortunately, it's the opposite order. :( I lost my artistic impulses and now can't bear to watch them even though I still love them. *sob*

...there are many journals and fics that just stop cold, and the authors have either moved onto other fandoms or just moved on

Yeah, that's always sad, especially if a fave writer moves to a fandom you don't like. :(

I'm sorry there won't be any more Jake stories, but that's selfish on my part

Thank you for liking my Jake. That means a great deal.

You shared your gifts with us while you were moved to do so, and now you are, perhaps, finding other things that energize you

I wish I could find something else, although maybe playing the few Facebook games (that don't crash my computer) count? Nah, I don't think so. *G*
sallye From: sallye Date: July 16th, 2014 04:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, you know I'm no artist or author, but I thought I'd touch base with you. I know you don't want to hear it, but I'll miss your muse forever! And I'm sorry you've lost the joy of watching our shows. I haven't watched TS in a long time, or read many stories lately. But I think I could watch them and not get down. Though I'd probably start to miss all the fun I had on the mailing lists - before LJ came along. And you'll notice I haven't been on LJ in over a year.

I'm still reading J/D. I can't shake them. Not that I'd want to! I haven't seen any eps lately, though I watched SG1: Continuum the other night. Just made me miss them more. I guess that 10 year slice of my life was just a very special time - something that couldn't last forever or be held onto with the same intensity. Boy, I miss it! Very much. And dead muse or not, you're still my fave TS and SG1 writer! big hug!
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:12 am (UTC) (Link)

*hugs back*

Though I'd probably start to miss all the fun I had on the mailing lists - before LJ came along. And you'll notice I haven't been on LJ in over a year

Boy, you know, you have a good point. I miss the fun of mailing lists too - very much. No matter what anyone says, you can't get the same kind of discussion going via LJ that you could via a mailing list like senad. I guess that comes under the heading of 'change', right? We adapt. Sort of. And no, I hadn't noticed you'd been gone - because I've been gone too! LOL! Well, other than auction stuff, of course. :)

Maybe all of this is like...guys and their 'glory days' (of high school football or college frat days)? Except maybe women are better at letting go? Or not. :(

I guess that 10 year slice of my life was just a very special time

That made me realize - it was 10 years. 10 years of pure fandom time. Kind of a miracle, wasn't it? And you and I are friends, so we have that, even if we don't write often. :( So yeah, it might be gone, but quite a few of the friendships forged...remain, thank goodness. :)
keiramarcos From: keiramarcos Date: July 16th, 2014 05:26 am (UTC) (Link)
I think my muse will die when I die. I don't always write but my creativity moves around me in other ways when I don't want to write or can't write for whatever reason.

I have burned out on a few television shows in the past to the point where I couldn't stand to watch previews for the show. This most recently happened with Bones. It's some kind of fatigue maybe or just outright utter disbelief at the season finale? I don't know but I took Bones off my DVR. I won't watch next season. I'm also developing an apathy for NCIS and Hawaii 5-0. Again, perhaps it's the writing and I'm just disappointed. I don't know.

Have you tried original fiction? Sometimes flipping myself around and trying something brand new gets me back into a good place to write or grow or plant flowers or whatever. ;-)

Edited at 2014-07-16 05:26 am (UTC)
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 12:53 am (UTC) (Link)

I have some original

fiction and a few WIP's, and no, I can't finish them either. There's just nothing there. :(

My love for TS and SGA hasn't died, not by any means. That's what's so weird. I love them, I love Jim and Blair, John and Rodney, but because I can no longer write about them, it's hard...okay, impossible...to watch them. I mean, episodes need FIXING, you know? *G*

I was able to re-route my creativity to photoshop, but that's no longer possible. My PS freezes up and/or crashes my aging computer. I don't even dare do a simple "Happy Birthday" creation any more, let alone icons, or even my new banner for my LJ. It, like some stories, remain a forever unfinished WIP.

Oh, and in total agreement about some of the shows you mentioned. H50 is SO gone for me. And NCIS? *shudders* I loved Kate, liked Ziva (hated TIVA, though), but the new...I hesitate to say woman, because she seems like a girl...so the new *girl* on the show drives me CRAZY, so I can't watch it anymore. I find myself watching TNT, etc. and Public Television for British shows now. Oh, and ION for reruns of old faves.

I don't think we'll ever get another TS or SGA or early SG1 again. Every time a show seems to BE something like that-they either change it so drastically that not even our great 'slash' imaginations can intercede, or, like Almost Human, they cancel it. :( Grrrrr...

Got off the subject there, for a minute. :)
bluewolf458 From: bluewolf458 Date: July 16th, 2014 05:37 am (UTC) (Link)
I suppose... yes, in a way... I stopped watching Trek after I stopped writing it (my muse there hadn't died, exactly, she was just beginning to get senile and repeat herself - I wasn't getting any new ideas, just adaptations of old ones). I wouldn't say I stopped watching Professionals after I stopped writing it - I was only ever marginally into that particular fandom anyway - but I don't feel any urge to watch.

But I never really wrote SG1 - only a couple of crossovers with Sentinel - and I find I don't really want to rewatch it either...

On the third (or fourth) hand - there's only the three series I ever wrote in. I don't *want* to move on to a new fandom. Even where I enjoyed the series (SG1, Numb3rs, Diagnosis Murder for example) I never felt an urge to write them... and nothing that's being produced today is inspiring me at all.

At the same time, I do still want to write. Maybe, one of these days, I'll go back to what I did when I first started writing, in the days long before fandom reared its head for me; original fiction, possibly written just for myself.

I'll miss your writing, Aly - you've been one of my favourite writers since I first found Sentinel, though I never read any of your SGA stories - I didn't like that series, didn't care what happened to the characters, and stopped watching after about ten eps. But I do frequently go back to your Sentinel and SG1 stories.

I still have plenty of ideas for Sentinel... but what I've found recently is that I'm doubting my ability to do justice to them. I'm beginning to feel I just don't have the talent to write them. Maybe it's age creeping up on me?
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:20 am (UTC) (Link)

One thing I know

...is that YOU still have the ability to do justice to your ideas, and thus stories. Each auction year proves that. So as long as your brain wants to write - let it. For all our sakes. And I'd love to read some original fiction from you!!

I know what you mean by enjoying certain shows - getting really invested in them, yet not having any desire to write in them. And your example of Numb3rs and Diagnosis Murder are to prime examples for me too!

I do admit to be rewriting a series in my head right now - and enjoying it, but with no desire to even try to write it. "The Last Ship" is a new show on TNT with one of my fave actors from Grey's Anatomy (they killed off his character a couple years ago), Eric Dane, as the lead. The primary female is a doctor who's supposed to be able to save what's left of the world. But in MY world, she is a hunky, glasses-wearing HE! LOL! I have entire stories and scenes in my head and enjoy them tremendously - but again, writing them? Nope. Not a word. At least my imagination *does* still work, eh? :)

Just YOU keep writing, okay?
mab_browne From: mab_browne Date: July 16th, 2014 05:43 am (UTC) (Link)
My muse isn't dead but it certainly needs the whip applied a little than used to be the case, and part of that I think is that I have a busier life and so there's less energy for fandom which can get quite all encompassing. Life changes, both positive and negative, can take away your focus for one thing and place it on another. Also, I think that there can come a point where you've said everything you can say with a certain set of characters. I haven't reached that point with Jim and Blair, but I think I see it lurking in the background now and again.

I think maybe it also depends on why you enjoy a source material as to whether it stays engaging after any sort of change - muses with their toes curled up, or a very long period of time passing between your first engagement with the source. I'm not sure that I'd watch a lot of TS if I wasn't still writing it either. Some things that I still love, like Blakes 7, I watch with nostalgic glasses on because I remember the very young person I was when I first fell in love with the show. Or with Pros, I liked it before it became a slash inspiration because I always liked an action show.

So long as there is some source of joy in your life - well, I'd be sad to think that there'd be no more Aly stories, but what's there is a mighty body of work.
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:33 am (UTC) (Link)

Like with Bluewolf's stories, I'd hate

to see... I haven't reached that point with Jim and Blair, but I think I see it lurking in the background now and again that day, Mab. May it never come. It's not lurking, life just sometimes obscures it, okay? *nods encouragingly*

I've found the only time I lose the love of a show is if the writers/producers make such drastic changes to it - and thus it's no longer the show I loved, like with SG1. OTOH, there are some shows designed to accommodate change, shows where the creators actually envision a beginning, a middle and even an end (but can take their time getting there *G*). That seems to be the direction, for now, that shows are taking - meaning drama/adventure shows. But damn, I miss that ONE show; the one we could all rally around together, enjoy together, discuss madly, write, draw, sketch, manipulate...a show like TS. I truly believe TS really was special. Is special. A little UPN show, often with truly crappy writing *G*, and yet, offering up two characters so many women - and a few men - fell madly in love with and the two actors who brought them to life in a way that rose above the show and writing.

But even if such a show arrived again - I might love it, get involved, but writing? No, I have to say goodbye to that. Unless my life changes again - like winning the lottery! LOL! Not a huge lottery, don't want *that* big a change. *BG*

...but what's there is a mighty body of work

I do have that. What did they use to say over on PL? Yeah, quantity over quality. :) I definitely had the 'quantity' down pat. *shrugs* I'm kind of glad the Jim and Blair I loved are there, in archives like ASR3 and AO3, and the J/D and J/R I loved exist on 'paper' - so to speak. Same with all my favorite writers, like YOU, Mab!

kaynyne From: kaynyne Date: July 16th, 2014 06:13 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes. That's why I disappeared when I did. It isn't a matter of not wanting to do it, one day I suddenly realized I couldn't; couldn't write it or draw it, couldn't watch it or even really discuss it. It was like going through a strange bereavement that no one else understood. I put some of it down to RL issues but I don't think it was quite that simple.
So yes, I totally understand.
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:37 am (UTC) (Link)

I was wondering if what happened, is also what

happened with you. You had a lot of changes too, so while not RL in the way most would think - as in suddenly not having the time - but RL in a way that totally changes *how* we live now. It's weird and hard to really explain. Yeah, you get it. *hugs* That makes it even more difficult because of all you did for me, hosting me, all the fun we three had....

Love you. For...like...forEVER.
(Deleted comment)
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:39 am (UTC) (Link)

Wise words, and from

a favorite TS author, Sorka! I wish I could find something else - I won't give up trying, though.
cluesby4 From: cluesby4 Date: July 16th, 2014 12:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
I would have to say the same here to a certain extent. With the major change in my life - my move - I thought I was in emotional overload. I haven't created one pic in my new home.

I have been working with oracle cards. One reading that keeps popping up is the fact that I am going through a bereavement and must let go of the past. At first I thought this had to do with my parents, etc. But slowly I am getting to were I think this has to do with my fandom life. Your post is one of several signs that this may be a fact.</p>

I have zines I have saved to read in retirement sitting untouched. I have several ideas for good K/S vids, but can't make myself move forward. I have a story I started years ago. Even outlined, but it just sits on my hard drive.

I am going to Shore Leave this year, but it is more to see friends then actually participate in the con.

One odd thing for me is the fact I am viewing shows that I missed due to overworking. Have even fallen in love with a few. However, there is no desire to search out other fans or produce any work.

EXCEPT...I have finally watched Stargate SG1 - up to season 9. And I want to read one of your Jack/Daniel stories. Which is your favorite?

My concern is that we all need an outlet. Fandom was a way for me to step back from the 'real world' - to release some stress and pressure. And now that I am settling into more of a routine, I am feeling that I'm missing something - the Joy of creation, companions with a common interest, etc. I am wondering should I push back to fandom or find another outlet. For I fear depression is lurking about.

What about you, Aly? If the muse is gone, what is occupying your time?

alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:50 am (UTC) (Link)

We had similar changes

Susan, and your new life is just that, truly new. I think you simply need to get 'settled' into it for awhile, you know? In my case, my new life ended up in the deep end of the pool! LOL! It's like, treading water isn't even enough any longer. I guess that's why it's *too* real now.

And now that I am settling into more of a routine...

I'm no expert *g*, but I just think you need to give that new routine a bit more time, so it's more like an old familiar toy instead of a new shiny one you still need to play with, you know?

I am feeling that I'm missing something - the Joy of creation, companions with a common interest, etc.

See? That's a good sign, Susan. If you can feel your need to create is something that's currently missing, than yes, it might be time to at least dip a toe back in. :)

I am wondering should I push back to fandom or find another outlet

How 'bout a bit of both for you? I suspect your art ability is dying to get out again. Like...you could start with ideas for the auction website? We're talking a year and a half, which allows you to dip that toe in. :) It's going to be our last one, Susan, and the biggest, and I can't imagine it happening without you and the website, you know?

For I fear depression is lurking about

Just think 2016 and the biggest, best Auction website you've ever created in honor of our show and Garett. *G*
hand2hand From: hand2hand Date: July 16th, 2014 01:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
I just stumbled across a long wonderful essay by a pro author, William Vollman, that, it seemed to me, speaks to this issue. It doesn't really answer the exact question you asked, but it's a fascinating backdrop to the issue you mention of losing your muse in a time of great change.

Link goes to The Atlantic magazine website

I wish you the very best and I hope you keep us posted.

Edited at 2014-07-16 01:25 pm (UTC)
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:51 am (UTC) (Link)


off to read and thank you!
finlaure From: finlaure Date: July 16th, 2014 02:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
While I haven't written in over a year, I still think (hope) that it is just a looong vacation for my muse. My hope lies in that I still have the ideas for new stories and more for wip stories. I think My problem is that I have changed computers and systems twice in a year and learning a new system is hard for me.
But I do know of a dear friend of mine who completely gave up on writing for a few years after several deaths in her family. Now she has started again in a new fandom and is doing great. I say don't say dead yet. Just say off the stove and on the shelf. I Would be willing to do CPR to get Any new TS stories from you!! But I do understand and just want to say that I will greatly miss you.
I honestly feel that as we grow older and life throws so much at us from time to time we have to change in order to survive. Just know that you are one of my favorite authors and I will miss you.
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 18th, 2014 05:55 am (UTC) (Link)

Thank you!

I honestly feel that as we grow older and life throws so much at us from time to time we have to change in order to survive

Truer words, Finalure. I don't think I'd recognize myself if I met me on the street.

Just know that you are one of my favorite authors and I will miss you

Thank you - those words mean a great deal.
nerthus From: nerthus Date: July 16th, 2014 03:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm in the same boat, haven't been able to write a single word in YEARS. I used to write Sg-1 and TS fics, dabbled a bit with NCIS; but I got to a point where I just couldn't write anymore and I never finished a couple of SG-1 WIPS. Especially when Jack left and things really changed in the Stargate 'verse, I just lost all heart for it. I tried only sticking to the canon of the first seasons but still couldn't do it, sigh. I became interested in Supernatural and then Sherlock and Doctor Who and began reading in those fandoms, but I was never able to pen a single word myself for any fandoms since the good old Sg-1/TS days. I know personally I have gone through a LOT in past years--personal illness, my daughter's stroke and diabetes/arthritis diagnosis on top of her autism and genetic defect, my son's mental breakdown, my mom passed away, just on and on; I know on one level I've been in a bad depression for awhile. But I do miss my muse and wish I could write again; I don't know if the ability to write ANYTHING will ever return or not.
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 18th, 2014 05:52 am (UTC) (Link)

Yes, your life got VERY real, sweetie!

Here's hoping we both find a way out of the depression and thus our muses come back to life. Daniel on SG1 was always coming back, and who came back to life better than our Blair, eh?

stargatesg1971 From: stargatesg1971 Date: July 16th, 2014 05:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, Aly. You're one of my all time favourite authors in TS. You have a wonderful style and talent. Thanks so much for sharing your skills with us while the muse was alive and willing.

I've not had my muse die persay but I have had it practically none existent. I find that walking away from creating and enjoying other peoples work often helps stir the muse, or venturing on the outskirts of a new fandom but not necessarily partaking in it can also have a posititive effect; seeing other people's enthusiasm will often rub off on me and give me the urge to play, even if only for a little while.

alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 18th, 2014 05:50 am (UTC) (Link)


Yes, that's just what I was thinking - instead of trying to watch the shows, I could go and read my favorite authors AND discover new ones! Then make sure I write LOC's - which can be as hard as writing a story! LOL! Maybe go back to Sentinel_Thursday and start following it again. Thank YOU!
From: jael_lyn01 Date: July 16th, 2014 10:12 pm (UTC) (Link)

Viewing when interest dies

Complicated question...

I think I'll answer by email. Check tomorrow, OK Jael Lyn
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 17th, 2014 01:54 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Viewing when interest dies

Okay. :)
unbelievable2 From: unbelievable2 Date: July 17th, 2014 07:34 am (UTC) (Link)
I could write a lot on this, but I'll try to write only a little bit otherwise it will get boring. I'm new to TS so I still find much enjoyment in creating and reading. TBH the shows are pretty much a disappointment - the guys should have had our plots! But there's always something to enjoy somewhere. I'm new to fandom, period, really, compared to you lot. But my first fandom had me falling HARD. Obsession-time. Then the guys who made the thing gave up making it and kind of dissed their creation (IMO) and I found that a great turn-off, almost a betrayal. I couldn't write in that fandom anymore - I can barely watch the show, and haven't wanted to for years now.

I enjoy other shows but there's only a few I feel inspired to write for. And I do think it's about inspiration and the desire to create. I used to paint. For the last year I've had no incentive or compulsion to pick up a brush at all. That was a worry, but I'm hoping its just a fallow period, and I'm being relaxed about it. Sometimes the fallow period can go on a long time. I'm not sure that creative people can ever stop creating, even if sometimes they need a fair time to recharge their batteries. You are amazingly prolific - your stories are things that people (like me) re-read all the time for enjoyment and inspiration. That's your gift to us. But if you'd been magic-ed out for a while, even if it's a good long while, don't sweat it. Take it as it comes, and don't fight things or try to force yourself. All sorts of things come out of doing what we do - the friendship, and the experiences, as someone else has wisely said here, for two. Enjoy them, take a breather, and wait for... nothing. Don't imagine there's a MUSE hanging over your head who may or may not strike. I don't think it works that way. It's more like something that builds and builds until you cant ignore it any more and the frustration of NOT being able to do anything about it gets unbearable. Like a tingling in the fingers to GET BUSY.
Ok, you say it's been 10 years. But maybe stop thinking about that, obsessing about the thing that was once so easy and is now so hard. You can't beat art of any kind out of yourself. What would come out is then stilted and false. Relax, don't ponder, don't analyse. It's key IMHO that you still LOVE your characters. If you really didn't like them anymore, like my first fandom experience, I think things would be different. But what you're going through, it's not really falling-away, it's a regrouping, or a re-assessment. Take enjoyment in your love of the characters, in your own work and maybe the writing of others and stop badgering your brain for answers. You're far more likely to get a resolution if you don't punish yourself by pushing for a an "explanation".
See,I did write a lot in the end !

alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 18th, 2014 05:34 am (UTC) (Link)

Brill post!

All sorts of things come out of doing what we do - the friendship, and the experiences...

The friendships and experiences I'll have forever, thank God. No matter what else, those years were NOT wasted, that's for sure. The wonderful women (and a couple of guys) I was fortunate enough to meet (online, in person, or both), to forge great friendships, to be gifted by their passions, intelligence, generosity, and huge hearts - man, I owe TS everything in that respect. And the events; oh, my gosh, first the Rally at Pasadena for TS's 4th season, Fan Odyssey (twice), oh, and the horse show in LA with William Shatner and his celebrity guests (can we say Garett, Bruce and Anna??? And Garett actually introduced himself to me!) and then, of course, Moonridge, all the Stargate cons - my first one also in Pasadena and the others in Burbank. Heck, I even got my sister to go with me the year after mom passed away! Talk about a miracle! LOL! And who could forget the fantastic Return to Cascade con (I let down a lot of people for that one, but it kind of saved me). So yes, the friends and experiences are more valuable than my writing. I need to be grateful for what I had and still have. *nods*

It's more like something that builds and builds until you cant ignore it any more and the frustration of NOT being able to do anything about it gets unbearable. Like a tingling in the fingers to GET BUSY

Yeah, the 'builds and builds' part is how writing was for me too. An idea, a sentence, a song lyric, a screwed up episode *G*, and WHAM, the need to write, to give birth to what was building up inside me - yeah, definitely. But TS (and SG1/SGA) brought forth something no other show/s have been able to do, in spite of loving them. I still find my brain rewriting episodes of fave shows today, but there's no connection between that - and creating a story. :(

What I need to do is get OVER IT, get OVER MYSELF, be grateful for what I have, and just...whatever.

You're far more likely to get a resolution if you don't punish yourself by pushing for a an "explanation"

Good point.

See,I did write a lot in the end

You did indeed and all wise, dear Yoda! :) Thank YOU!
alobear From: alobear Date: July 17th, 2014 11:12 am (UTC) (Link)
This is all very sad.

But - is reading and responding to fanfiction so very different to watching and responding to the shows? You've read both my recent auction stories and made them *hugely* better than they would have been otherwise, via your insightful and imaginative feedback.

Things tend to go in cycles for me - I'll have months or years of nothing, and then it'll all start up again unexpectedly. Damn muses - can't live with them, can't live without them...
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 18th, 2014 05:38 am (UTC) (Link)

Thank goodness you're BACK!

Damn muses - can't live with them, can't live without them...

...can't find them! The least mine could have done was let me know where it's buried so I could visit from time to time - but then my muse always was bat-shit crazy. :)
From: wolfdancer Date: July 19th, 2014 05:40 am (UTC) (Link)
I have read things from most of the peeps here. I have not neem realey able to read or craft much.
I have loved your work. but understand when things lose the glow. I blame the meds that I was on, and some to my moms death,
best wishes in findinf the glow in new ways
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 21st, 2014 07:58 pm (UTC) (Link)

Do we have the same life?

Maybe it's the meds here too. A couple of them are changing all the time. Sorry about your mom. *HUGS*
alassenya From: alassenya Date: July 21st, 2014 09:16 am (UTC) (Link)
I haven't gone through this with TV (maybe because I've only embraced TV show fandom in the last decade) but I've definitely gone though it with music. And you know what? -- it comes back. It really, really does (providing that the source material is good, of course). Sure there are some bands whose music I find puerile and uninteresting now, but I'm happy to say that there are lots of albums in my collection that I enjoy as much now (or perhaps even more) as I did when they were first released.

Are you having any other difficulties with life? - sleeping, weight, energy levels, general joie de vivre? Creativity is one of the first things to disappear with any illness so it might just be worth getting a medical check up if you haven't had one lately (especially a thyroid test, since hypothyroidism is increasingly common with age).

alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 21st, 2014 08:03 pm (UTC) (Link)

Health problems, moi? *G*

Thyroid: Check. Been on the medication since the early 90's (thyroid cancer, loss of one lobe). The rest? Check. Doctor is still trying to find the right anti-depressant. *rolls eyes* But you're right - I've heard creativity goes when you can't seem to control your moods. Somehow, that makes it easier to understand. And maybe easier to try to combat now. Between that, talking to some friends via email, and diving back into reading fanfiction, maybe a small miracle will happen. *fingers crossed* Thanks!
t_verano From: t_verano Date: July 21st, 2014 12:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hey Aly, so good to see you!

Increasingly I wonder how much more writing I will ever do, and yeah, I find that in some ways that ties to how much I still want to be around my main "writing" fandom (TS) in various ways.

Perversely, though (I do so love to be perverse :-)), for me it's more that it can be hard to read TS, whether new fic or beloved older fic, when my muse is struggling. However, I can still find joy in getting all thinky in TS Chat about the show or in watching an ep to see the guys again (heck, just listening to Blair say "Jim, we need to talk" in that voice is... well, I probably should do that more often. It's pretty inspiring. :-))

The whole thing about life being too real -- oh, yeah. I've spent a huge amount of the past several years just trying to somehow survive day to day, and that absolutely plays merry hell with writing, afaic. (The last month or so things have appeared to be easing up a little and I've found myself able to finish a tiny long-ago-abandoned ficlet, giving me hope that writing could be one of my pleasures in life again some day. It's kind of reassuring to find that I still like mucking around with words -- especially since I still have a Moonridge story to wrap up, eep.)

I think I've gone past the place in my life where I can have a 360-degree version of fandom, covering all bases and being involved in all aspects, though. But I'm okay with that -- no matter where I stand with reading/writing/watching, I still have TS people, who are amazing and dear -- and still here! -- to talk Show with or to talk Life with. Or to talk nonsense with. :-)

I mourn the loss of your muse, though -- and I think it's unfair that it took the ability to enjoy watching your fandom shows along with it when it left. I'm also HUGELY grateful that your muse stuck with you as long as it did. The (many) years I was reading and re-reading TS obsessively and almost exclusively, you and Arianna were my two Re-Read Gold Star Winners; I can't tell you how many times I started at the top of the delightfully long list of Aly fics in my TS fic folder and read my way straight through -- and mourned, when I got to the end of the list. :-
polly_b From: polly_b Date: July 21st, 2014 03:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, I can relate to so much of your post. *sighs* My muse did not just get up and leave the building, she had herself shot into the sun, or at least, that's how it feels.

I haven't completely lost interest in the source material, but honestly, I can't remember the last time I watched an episode of any of the shows that prompted me to start writing fanfic, either, including TS, Star Trek: Voyager, Highlander, or The X-Files. It's not that I avoid them, but I don't seek them out, either. I haven't even read that much fanfic in any of those fandoms. Every once in a while I'll read something on Sentinel Thursday, but not often.

I haven't written anything new or worked substantively on any of my many WIPs in almost 3 years. I was briefly engaged by The Avengers and wrote 30,000 words of a Tony Stark/Loki TS fusion but it died out and never went anywhere and was ultimately jossed by Thor2...not that I couldn't work around that - I can think of at least three ways to work that entire storyline into my own fic, but I just don't have the willpower to mess with it.

I've had so much real life crap going on that I just can't escape into writing like I used to. It's like I can't disengage my brain long enough to pretend real life isn't out there, lurking at me. It's not just a question of muse/ability to write, it's also the fact that I'm just not as 'fannish' any more.

So, yeah, I understand where you're coming from, and while I miss your writing, it's not going to make any difference to how much I adore you. You were very kind to a newbie well over a decade ago, and you're still very kind to the newbies now, and I love you for that.
From: marion_j_b Date: July 21st, 2014 05:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
I must admit to having the same problem. Although I prefer to think my muse is having a midlife crisis and is off some where having brought a flash car, and is chasing after young men.
If he (and I decided my muse was male because he's so hard to pin down)does decide to come back, I'll probably have to send him to dry out!
Seriously though, I've not been able to finish any stories in a long while. Now and again I add a line here or there to my WIP file, but that's all. And I haven't watched the series in ages.
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 21st, 2014 08:16 pm (UTC) (Link)


Marion, your muse must be with my muse! That explains it! I can see them now, in that 'flash' car (snappy, flashy red, of course), jetting down the highway, along a beautiful...Italian *nods*...coastline...I'm thinking... specifically...Positano...her long locks (blonde, natch) caught by the wind, both wearing snappy sunglasses, and ignoring their age, their loyalty (to us), or the fact they've become sluts in their 'chasing' of 'young' men and sometimes chasing after the same young man. And they always find themselves chasing young men with long curly hair, especially if they're walking next to a taller, muscular man who looks like a cop (or soldier assigned to a top secret underground...whatever).

OMG (part 2)!! It took me FIFTEEN minutes to write this. NOW I know why I can't write. I can't think of words any longer! *slaps forehead*

Damn. I'm just old.
storyfan From: storyfan Date: July 24th, 2014 06:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm a new TS fan, as you know, and reading your stories is one of my greatest pleasures. In fact, I barely made my deadline for a zine story this spring in another fandom because I spent days reading and rereading your work.

I understand about muses deserting a person. I used to write in the Jeeves & Wooster fandom, and boy, did I love those guys. It's hard to watch the eps anymore, and I only do that when my son wants to see one. Hardly anyone is writing there at this point, and I find that sad, too. Now and then, I try to write a drabble or something for the boys, but nothing comes to mind.

Sometimes life becomes so real that escaping for fun into fanfiction (or whatever floats one's boat) isn't possible. Not to bore you with details, but I was very ill most of last year, so all my energy had to go into keeping my job and soothing my family's fears about my health.

It's been hard to get the muse back, and the only thing that did it for me was immersing myself in TS. I was able to write for Don and Timmy again, and do a few small things for Jim and Blair. Still, it's hard to muster up the energy for fictitious things when real life is so overwhelming or the need to live it is so pressing that you can't get away from it.

I'll join the chorus for hoping you find something that piques your creative interest, whether it be writing or something else. I love your work, Aly. So very much.
alyburns From: alyburns Date: July 25th, 2014 02:40 am (UTC) (Link)

I hope your muse

hangs around, girl, because I'd hate for the fandom to lose such a gifted new writer!!! You're BRILLIANT!!!
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